And so I'm back, from outta space!

Monday I went into hospital to have a "procedure".

After a three hour wait in the hot, claustrophobic waiting room at the lovely Heartlands Hospital in the city of Birmingham I was processed. Thank heavens for anesthetic. What magical stuff that is. I didn't even see the operating theatre, just some very nice nurses and bit of fiddling around and the next thing I know I am looking up at the smiling Mr. Reasons.

I shall spare the gory details but next Wednesday I shall discover if I have something serious or not. I want answers, it is very tough not knowing.

This week is a week of recovery and healing. Ommmmm...breath deep, think positive thoughts, try not to smack anybody!

The Waiting Game

I had my follow up appointment with the ENT consultant on Friday. He left me sitting there ages whilst he read through my notes and those from the doctor who had performed the ultrasound scan and biopsy. I could feel my heart thumping and was annoyed at my own nerves.

He told me the results were inconclusive and that a CT scan would now be necessary. This happens on Wednesday. The NHS moving fast, a worry in itself! The lump could be linked to a thyroid cancer, a cyst or a lymph node that has enlarged for some reason. He ruled out lymphoma but cancer is a possibility. Then he looked at me. I asked him if that's what he thinks it is and he just said it is a possibility.

Great.

An operation and more waiting. Now they are moving fast though, he tried to get the scan done on the same day but it wasn't possible. His nurse did the pre-op and he said he will call me rather than see me before the operation to save time. Medicine, he told me, is not black and white !

My children have a watered down version of what's going on, my mum still knows nothing and as she lives away she cannot see the bruise left from the biopsy so I don't have to explain that at least. She is caring for my Dad who is showing no signs of picking up after bowel cancer surgery. It is very hard to be away from them at the moment. This Saturday we were all planning a trip to see them. Staying in a hotel to give them some peace. I do hope I don't get whisked in to hospital and have to cancel but I know I should be grateful if that happens.

Tomorrow is my eldest daughter's 18th birthday. A time to celebrate.

It's a funny old life.

October

October is an important month for me. It is the month I was born, the month I in which I was married and my first child was born. Much to celebrate, but for some strange reason I am often unwell at this time of year. It is the month when I was twice struck down by a serious infection that put me in hospital. It happened on 31st October in two consecutive years. I used to celebrate Halloween, not anymore! For me it feels truly jinxed. This year is no exception of course as you may know from my previous post, although I still await to know the seriousness of this little episode.

It is always a month for change. A time be serious again after weeks of summer fun, of getting down to the the stuff of routine and organisation. The realisation that soon it will the time to gear up for Christmas, already the paraphernalia is in the shops. The days will shorten. Winter is around the corner.

Mostly for me, though there is a sense of excitement. It's the rustling of leaves as the squirrels leap around the trees in the garden and the wind swirls through the branches. A warm wind so far this month, almost as good as an ocean breeze. As I walk down our long, lovely lawn the acorns crunch beneath my feet. Colour everywhere. Gold and red leaves, the berries of orange and crimson, blue sky, vivid, vibrant and a feast for the eyes.

There is a smell in the air I can't quite describe, it is like an energy, something a little mystical and powerful. Great conkers hit my windscreen as I drive down our road, I jump out of my skin but have to smile at my own fright. Good for nature. It is showing us its spirit! As a child I always loved this month and would spend hours drawing autumn scenes, spending ages getting that fullness and shine on the berries. I still get that little girl surge of utter happiness and a feeling that whoever or whatever created this really knows how to put of a great show and I thank them!

Which is your favourite month?

Just Getting IT Off My Chest

The UK last week was in the grip of a mini heat wave. It was quite simply stunning. The autumn trees lit up like fireworks in the sunshine and knowing that winter is around the corner made the unexpected warmth even sweeter.

On Friday Mr. Reasons took a day off. The idea being to spend a whole, luxurious day together, as a treat for my birthday which would be spent with the family on Sunday. First, however, I had to get an appointment over with to sort out this persistent swelling in my neck.

We waited a full hour to see the ENT consultant, by which time I had worked myself up into a bit of nervous state. When I finally saw him I sat in his room and heard all the things it could be, from not so serious to very serious, and everything in between. Whatever it is, he told me, it will need to come out. I felt sick and faint and just wanted to put my head between my knees to stop myself from keeling over. But I smiled and thanked him.... for scaring the shit out of me. As you do.

He asked me to return a couple of hours later for a biopsy. Now I can do pain, but I wasn't prepared for how much this would hurt. I think it was because the doctor had to go through muscle and in and up at an angle to avoid an artery, but it was not a lovely experience. He did this twice and because he had trouble getting into the area he prodded and jabbed like I was a jacket potato being pierced before baking.

A couple of times he stopped because I was feeling sick and faint again. To be honest I think it was more to do with the intense worry than the pain. Even so I wasn't proud to be taken out into the waiting room still on a bed so that the doctor could check on me and ensure I was safe to leave without causing any embarrassment by keeling over in the carpark.

I left, knowing I must return in two weeks to face the results. It makes me sick to the pit of my stomach just thinking about it. I thought I was braver than that.

Our day out together was not to be, I was very bruised and in a lot of pain and discomfort so we went home to relax. I was so, so grateful that Mr. Reasons had been with me, but I worry that he has to go through this too, he has had so much to deal with over the past few years.

Family life ticked over for the rest of the weekend. I didn't feel up to much so my birthday was quiet. In the end we didn't even have a meal altogether as a family as eldest daughter only returned late Sunday from a weekend away celebrating a friend's 18th and middle daughter left before eldest returned to go to a concert. It upset me, I needed the comfort of my family around me and could have done with them lifting my spirits. They are getting older though and have busy lives but I made my point that we should all make an effort to come together for birthday meals.

I tried to be gracious through my disappointment. Certainly I don't want them to worry about me and have played the whole neck saga completely down. There could be nothing to worry about after all, so why upset them.

I cannot share any of this with my mum, she has enough to worry about with Dad not being well. I miss that. She senses something is not right, I can tell.

Please don't send me sympathy. It'll only make me feel worse. I want to feel positive and not a victim of bad health and a bit of rubbish luck. It has to be about coping and seeing the good stuff. I want to move out of this cloud that keeps chasing me.

Wishing for Calm

Is it not always the case that when you have to most to write about, you have the least time down to sit down and write?

The second installment of my previous post will have to wait. I have at least got back into the groove. One foot back in the door. Bum on seat. Fingers on keys.

Hellooooo!!!!

It has been full on. My husband became self employed, which as he works away, meant that yours truly had the task of setting up the business, bank account, tax registration, book keeping blah blah blah, and all this on the back end of another house move.

We finally staggered away on holiday for a rest but whilst there I learned that a member of my family had been diagnosed with cancer. On our return, I hosted family visitors from France and then went straight to be with my parent's to help them through.

Now, finally, I feel some kind of order is returning. My piles of paperwork are reducing and the house is reaching a state of more calm. I do have some dodgy stuff going on with my health and have been ordered for an emergency appointment to investigate a suspicious swelling to the lymph node in my neck, but I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO HAVE ANYTHING ELSE WRONG WITH ME. Are you listening God?? Do you read Blogs?

I so want to settle now. To enjoy our new home, my family, just to write a more often.

Wish me luck!

A Mother's Nightmare. Part one.

So in the words of the prolific writer, Enid Blyton, or at least the wonderful actress Helena Bonam Carter, who played her recently in the BBC drama "Enid" (available as I write on BBC iplayer) "...if you want to write, you just sit down and write..." My childhood was enriched by the books of this wonderful children's author. Yet she was obviously a very strange person indeed and a questionable mother for sure. How could someone write such magical and appealing books for children and yet have absolutely no clue to how to relate to her own? If how she is portrayed in this story is true, it surely shows how deeply affected we really are by events in our childhood, whether we are aware of it, or not. Anyway, I shall take her words to my heart, stop procrastinating, sit down, and write.

My dear friend in Zurich is going through unimaginable trauma. She is so often on my mind and I find it hard to understand how such terrible things can have come to happen to an essentially good and hard working woman. I met her when we were students learning to speak French, newcomers to Quebec, Canada. She took one look at me, decided I was most certainly for her, put her arm round me at break time and announced we would be friends. Slightly shyer and more retiring, probably than I am now, I was not going to argue with 5 foot 9 Polish woman. We bonded a few weeks later when she came with some other Polish friends and relatives to our flat for afternoon tea and cake and left at 2.30 am after copious quantities of vodka shots, drunk from shot glasses held in hands with arms linked, songs had been sung and stories shared.

Time went on, she married a man, another Polish guy who had moved to Canada many years prior, with his family. A serious, quiet man who worked for Canadian Immigration. An odd match I always felt, she so beautiful, smart and outgoing, he more awkward, of slow and deliberate speech, wanting things his way....

We borrowed a Cadillac from my husband's colleague and drove them from the Registry Office to her new husband's family place in the Laurentian hills. A simple celebration outside in the summer sun, check table clothes and wonderful homemade food. And vodka. The main 'wedding' was to take place in G's hometown in Poland some weeks later.

They settled down, G working hard to earn her degree in biochemistry, her husband continuing with his 9-5 for the government. G got her first 'proper' job, which she loved and started to do really well.

We visited them some years later on a rare trip back to Canada and were introduced to their new family, a little girl and a new born boy that G was still tenderly breastfeeding. She told me she would have to return to work to support the family and that her husband would stay home because financially that was just how it needed to be. I knew deep down that this suited G, she had worked hard for her position and as much as she clearly adored her children, full time motherhood was just not for her, as it indeed hadn't been for her own mother.

.....to be continued.

Spring. New Beginnings.

Ooops sorry, missed a couple of months. Where the hell did they go?? I rhink I mentioned that we sadly lost a brother in law in December. Got through January reasonably intact in the end. Lots of snow which was pretty but other than than it is all a bit of a bluuurrr...

February, same story. Still waiting for mortgage company to approve our application but they had obviously doubts at this point, reasoning I believe that Mr. Reasons was a spy and I, a money launderer. Honestly you can't win these days, no chance of a mortgage if you don't have a down payment and if you do have something to put down, they think it was illegally gained!

March brought more bad news. My sister in law was diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing extensive chemotherapy and had extensive operations. One family that has had way too much bad news recently, but not my place to go into great detail. I am not religious, but I pray for them.

Anyhooo, zooming forward to April...we have moved!!! This morning as I write (exhausted, still in bed) we are two weeks in and have had 22 teenagers here for my beautiful middle daughter's 15th birthday. AM I TOTALLY BONKERS?? The house is absolutely my dream home and I love it. Lots of wood; floors, beams, doors, but many with coloured glass in them too...ooh it's so fab I can hardly believe it! We face south, so lots of light, a cracking garden with lots of trees and nesting birds in a bird box to keep us company.

Of course there is always a 'but'. Mr. Reasons job once again looks unsteady. His firm relied on contracts in a certain country where civil war is going on right now, something no-one could have predicted. I am scared we will have to give all this up but then I suppose none of us can predict the future so for now, I guess, we should just enjoy what we have right now. Reasons to be cheerful!